Blog Post 004* - September 12 2013 | "Orientation"

*4th blog post chronologically; 5th assigned writing

This is where you'll be standing for most of the day. Don't worry, there's a rubber mat here, so your feet won't get tired. Your feet will get tired anyway, especially if you're not used to standing for a long time. Don't feel ashamed if that happens, even when Kevin makes fun of you because Kevin loves to exercise. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll meet him later. He likes to come size up the new guy. Don't worry, he's nice. We're all nice here. This is the perfect place to work.

You aren't allowed to leave this area. Sometimes a customer will ask you to help them in a different area of the store. You need to go help them, when that happens, but don't forget that you're not allowed to leave this area. When you get back, there will be other customers waiting for your help. They will be angry that you weren't immediately available. Don't worry, this is their way of being nice. We're all nice here.

Every customer is going to talk about the weather. Every customer is going to ask you how your day is going. Every customer is going to complain that the credit card machine is too complicated. Don't worry, this is just their way of being nice. All of our customers are very nice. You aren't allowed to think our customers are not nice. If you do, you may be let go. That's our way of being nice about following the rules here.

You aren't allowed to know anything fancy. Don't let any of the customers catch you using fancy words. You are allowed to know how to count money. You aren't allowed to know the standard form of a complex number. You are allowed to agree that the weather has been nice lately. You aren't allowed to know the melting point of tungsten. We don't pay you to be smart, we pay you to be nice. Nice like the rest of us. When you use big words, it scares the customers. The customers don't like to be scared. It doesn't feel very nice to them. Customers like to know that they're getting the best deals. They like to know that they're smarter than you. It feels nice to them. That's why we pay you.

This is your uniform. You have to wear it every day. We don't have casual Friday here. If you feel sick, you need to come to work anyway. If you're very, very sick, you may stay home, but only when you have a doctor's note. We may let you go when you come back to work. We want you to relax and get better, and how can you do that when you're working?

You will do the same things every day, in the same order, every time. Don't worry about why. People much smarter than you were paid more than you will make in ten years to come up with the ideal way to maximize our profit. Am I going too fast for you? Max-i-mize. That means "make more big". Don't worry, you'll catch on. It's nice to catch on. When you understand the job, we know that we are respecting you the right way. We like to respect our employees here.

This is your store manager. He usually sits up in his office. You may see him at the Christmas party. We don't know what he does, but we know it's way more important than what you do. Don't you dare question it. It's not nice to question things. Especially authority. Oh, auth-or-i-ty? That means "the people who are better than you". Don't worry, you'll catch on. It's nice to catch on.

You are allowed to be happy about your job. You aren't allowed to have a future. Futures are for fancy people with big brains. You don't need to concern yourself with that sort of thing. Just stand here and put the things in the bags. Put the things in the bags. Put the things in the bags. Put the things in the bags. There's a good boy. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Just smile. Smile. Smile.

Smile and don't think.

It's nicer that way.

We like to be nice here.